Job Posting: Chief Mom Officer (CMO)

With the help of some AI, I thought it would be funny to create a Job Posting for being a Stay at Home mom. Here is what I and the lovely intelligence of the inter webs came up with…

Position: Full-Time (24/7) | Location: Your House | Compensation: Emotionally rich, financially…complicated

About the Role

We are seeking a dynamic, emotionally intelligent, endlessly patient Chief Mom Officer (CMO) to lead a high-stakes operation with zero margin for error. This position is part of an elite squad of household executives who specialize in logistics, education, culinary arts, hostage negotiation (see: toddler tantrums), and emotional counseling—all before 9 AM.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why isn’t this a paid job?”—congrats! You’re qualified.

Core Responsibilities

• All Hands Meetings
  Daily 7:15 AM stand-up in the kitchen. Agenda includes:
  Praise & affirmations
  Important updates (playdate intel, snack supply chain issues)
  Strategies for tantrum mitigation
  Potty protocol (seat down, people!)
  Guest speaker: four-year-old with insights on “What is that smell from the bathroom”
  Reminder: Hide the permanent markers
• 1:1 Manager Meetings
  Efficiency is key. Each meeting is conducted mid-diaper change or while shoving half a granola bar into your mouth. Agenda must be pre-approved and cannot include topics that could’ve been texted.
• Slack Channels (aka text threads with other moms)
  #General (What did I just step in?)
  #Health_Concerns (Is this rash normal?)
  #SchoolDrama (You will not believe what that mom said)
  #JobOpportunities (Translation: Anyone want to trade kids for 10 minutes?)
• Bulletin Memo Board
  Also known as the fridge. Covered in outdated appointment cards, a half-colored coloring sheet, one magnet from the dentist, and a chore chart no one respects.

Compensation

Let’s be real: If this were a paid corporate job in California, here’s the breakdown:

Role	Rate (CA Avg.)	Weekly Hrs	Monthly Value
Childcare Provider (Day + Night shift)	$27/hr	70 hrs	$7,560
Personal Chef	$30/hr	21 hrs	$2,520
Housekeeper/Cleaner	$25/hr	14 hrs	$1,400
Private Tutor	$35/hr	10 hrs	$1,400
Chauffeur (school, activities, errands)	$22/hr	10 hrs	$880
Administrative Assistant (appointments, forms, emails, event planning)	$28/hr	6 hrs	$672
Therapist/Emotional Support Human	$50/hr	5 hrs	$1,000
Life Coach/Motivational Speaker (for your kids and sometimes your partner)	$60/hr	4 hrs	$960
Sleep Consultant (because kids don’t)	$75/hr	3 hrs	$900
Laundry & Wardrobe Manager	$20/hr	10 hrs	$800
Conflict Resolution Specialist	$40/hr	5 hrs	$800
Home Project Manager (renovations, decor, furniture, coordinating vendors)	$65/hr	4 hrs	$1,040
IT Support (WiFi, tablets, kid-proof tech)	$40/hr	2 hrs	$320
Errand Runner/Personal Shopper	$25/hr	6 hrs	$600
Nutritionist (meal planning, picky-eater hacks)	$50/hr	2 hrs	$400
Sleep-Deprived Philosopher/Existential Crisis Manager	$Infinity/hr	∞ hrs	Let’s round it to $1,200/month for realism

Updated Monthly Total: $24,552
Annual Total: $294,624
Round it off with a $5K “Mom Survival Bonus” → $299,624/year.

We could even include a Performance Bonus for:

• All three kids fed, bathed, and in bed by 8 PM on a weeknight = $500
• Coordinating three birthday parties in one year = $2,000
• Not losing it during a 4-kid playdate = $1,000
• Surviving the store with all kids in tow and no one cried = priceless

Benefits Package

• Zoo + Museum passes (with no blackout dates)
• Unlimited snack drawer restocks
• Health care with dental (we’re talking real dental—orthodontics included)
• Company vehicle options:
  SUV (aka The Snackmobile)
  Minivan (with goldfish cracker dust detailing)
  Bike + Trailer (for those who live on the edge)
• Meal perks:
  All three meals M-F provided (by you)
  Kids magically love every meal—no food gets thrown
• Annual photo package:
  Sports pics included at no extra cost
  Bonus: you actually get one where everyone is smiling

Qualifications

• Experience giving birth, adopting, or just suddenly being in charge of tiny humans
• Advanced multitasking (can make dinner while refereeing a LEGO war and doing creating a master piece with playdough)
• Must be able to go from calm to chaos to calm again in under 60 seconds
• Strong working knowledge of Daniel Tiger, Bluey, and the entire Pixar filmography
• Willingness to pretend to be a dinosaur at a moment’s notice

Apply Now

Looking for highly qualified CMOs to join a global community of brilliant, exhausted, hilarious women who are keeping the world spinning—one goldfish cracker at a time.